Copyright (c) 2008 GainMore Advantage
In this third article in this series, we consider the 4th and 5th attitudes that can change your life. Attitude 4 – Respect the other person’s map of the world. Attitude 5 – The meaning of communication is the response you get.
Respect the other person’s map of the world
Lets move this away from you for a moment as I know this is difficult for the virgin. Let’s say for the moment that your close friend has a ‘wayward’ son. A teenager dressed in grubby jeans, a haircut that suggests an alien stylist, colours that jar the eyes running with the local mob of ne’er do wells. Your friend laments to you that they are at their wits end and don’t know how to ‘get the boy back on the right track’. You like the lad, and tell your friend that you’ll ‘have a word’ and see if you can help in anyway.
Sometime later, you bump into the young lad and get chatting. The lad, reluctantly at first, and then more fluently pours out his heart to you – how his parent (your friend) is so controlling, so old-school, such a … You are surprised, this can’t be the same person he’s talking about… you tell him this.
Who’s got the right perception? Your friend, the son, or you? That’s right. All of you! Three completely different perceptions of the same situation and… they’re all correct! For the people holding the perception.
Ask the police. 20 people are eye-witnesses to a car-accident. 20 statements are taken and there are 20 variations of exactly the same event.
Ah, I hear you say – yes well, different viewpoints… Exactly. It’s what we perceive that is our reality.
Back to our peer group. If you perceive that they do not accept you, do not connect with you. That is your reality. Can you change reality? Of course, just change your perception of it and reality changes. I’m not suggesting Ostrich-like behaviour and burying your head in the sand (works for the Ostrich – have you ever seen an Ostrich hit a bad drive?) I am suggesting that you can change your attitude by acting as if it were true, and thence change reality.
The meaning of communication is the response you get
You know those times, when you tell someone something and they don’t get it? So you tell them again. and sometime again. And they still don’t get it. Who has the problem? You or them?
I hope by now that you’re realising that it’s you. They don’t have a problem, they don’t get it (oh. and by the way, that’s their problem!)
Communication is NOT telling. Communication often involves talking, but it is a two-way process – it requires listening and observing as well. You explain something in such a manner that the receiver is able to fully understand what it is that you are explaining.
Take, for example, your golf instructor. She explains how to improve your swing, demonstrates the process and guides you, often physically by straightening your elbow, pushing your hips, widening your stance and so on. You continue this and slowly, gradually, as she sees that you have ‘got it’, will tell and show, less and less. Now that is communication. How well you continue to improve your swing is the response you are giving to that communication. If you do not improve, then the communication is lacking.
All of us have our own preferred ways of communicating. Some people like to use pictures for example – we create pictures with words and with our hands and bodies. Others prefer something more concrete – we need to walk through the swing – feel it in our muscles. Others prefer sound, and are quite happy for you to speak to them only. Others like music in the background, or a beat to swing to. Some people like to know what is possible, others prefer to know what is necessary. Some people like to improve whilst others prefer to not be a bad player.
Each of us has a small armoury of ways in which we can communicate – and it is our job to use that armoury, or toolset if you prefer, to the best of our abilities. If the response you get is not the one that you wanted, then it is your job to effectively communicate. Notice that in English language, we are not ‘communicated at’.
We will look at communication in detail in the Outcome Based communication chapter. For the moment, if you act as if the statement “The meaning of communication is the response you get” is true – then you will move from being at effect, to being at cause – and now you can do something about it.
Let me show you another example, where our communication (or lack thereof) is interpreted and causes an unexpected response. It’s to do with something called ‘complex equivalence’ where X=Y. He doesn’t buy me flowers anymore = He doesn’t love me anymore The husband is completely at a loss – this is often silent communication as well. He hasn’t got a clue what he’s done wrong (see more complex equivalence going on ‘She’s not talking to me=I’ve done something wrong’ (Although this is probably experience coming to the fore.)
You’ll hear this quite frequently in suppositions about another person… “He doesn’t care if he wins or loses”, “Really, why’s that?” “Because he never loses his temper when he loses”. Therefore, Doesn’t lose temper=doesn’t care. Tommy rot! I care deeply if I lose, doesn’t mean that I have to lose my temper about it.
And, whilst we’re on the subject, Bending your club around a tree is not a demonstration of how much you care passionately about making mistakes, or missing shots – it simply shows a lack of control.
This attitude applies to self-talk as well. Remember earlier we discussed how your unconscious self-talk in regard to your beliefs and vision will manifest in your actions? If you communicate to yourself to make sure that you do (not) hit the ball into the woods and the ball goes beautifully into the trees… it is no more, and no less than the response to your own internal communication. Why worry about communicating with others if we can’t communicate with ourselves to get what we want? Five attitudes summary
These five attitudes form the basis of an effective and prosperous life. You do not have to believe them to be true – you just have to ACT as if they are true. You will gain enormous and wonderful new perspective on your golf game, your leadership at work, at home, at school, at college, at life.
People can change anything = I can change my golf swing/habits/putting/handicap
People are NOT their behaviours = I am myself, they are them-self – their behaviour means something else
The meaning of communication is the response you get = I can tell myself exactly what I DO want
There is no failure, only feedback = I enjoy making mistakes, it allows me to learn more
Respect the other person’s model of the world = I perceive that I hit perfect drives every time and that’s my reality
The greatest change you can rapidly bring about with these attitudes is to turn negative feelings into neutral or even positive feelings. In our workshops we run an exercise with these attitudes and it is one of the most powerful and emotive moments. The number of people I’ve worked with who after years and years of holding onto a false-belief as a result of an attitudinal problem find enormous relief, is staggering. With these attitudes, you can take a fresh look at all of life’s problems and issues. Everything that has seemed for so long to be insurmountable, can and is changed when you act as if these attitudes are true.
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